Humor 3

A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Feeling Old
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old ... it's the thought that he's married to a grandmother.

True or False
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

For The Kids...
Why did the vampire go to hospital?He wanted his ghoulstones removed! Where do ghosts live?In a terror-tory! What is a ghost proof cycle?One with no spooks in it! What do you call a ghost who stays out all night?A fresh air freak! What happened to the skeleton who was swallowed by a big fish?He had a whale of a time! What do young ghouls write their homework in?Exorcise books! What happened when the ghosts went on strike?A skeleton staff took over!

Humor 2

Airline Rage

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

Back to Top Camping Tips

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. - A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. - The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. - When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. - Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. - A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. - A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. - In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

Top Helping an Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

For The Kids...

Q: What looks like half a cat?

A: The other half!

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?

A: 'Claws.'

Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?

A: A stri-ped!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?

A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'

Q: What is lion's favorite food?

A: Baked beings!

Free your self.. Get relax.. get your happy face again and Smile to the world

Recent Quips From Late Night
"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for." --Bill Maher

"On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. 'Oh, that's so cute,' said China." --Amy Poehler

"If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it." --Seth Meyers

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In Las Vegas, a 32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained about his marriage and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news Republicans have had in years." --Jay Leno

"U.S. Intelligence this week confirmed North Korea's claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb deep inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat, but only if they can lure their enemies deep inside a mountain." --Amy Poehler

"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?." --Jimmy Kimmel

Lena's Divorce
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Break-Up
There was a pretty Nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend. "Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents ?" "Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."

For The Kids...
A noise woke me up this morning.What was that?The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you!What has?Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! What's the name for a short legged tramp?A low down bum! Why did the man take a pencil to bed?To draw the curtains! What's the difference between an American student and an English student?About 3000 miles!